When I was finally brave enough to disclose my rape in 1995, my friend Lisa offered the perfect response! The words Lisa gave me while walking on the water’s edge are private, but I’d love for you to have a ready response should you be trusted by a friend or family member with their disclosure of a traumatic event. When someone discloses to you it’s best for you to say something simple and reaffirming. Please do not judge them or ask questions about the event. If someone is trusting you enough to disclose, put them in the driver’s seat and let them offer the information to you as they’re comfortable. Ask the person how you can support them. Don’t just assume that you know best, because you don’t. The survivor is an expert in their own story and recovery.
The nonprofit organization End Violence Against Women International began the national Start By Believing Campaign in 2011, to promote appropriate and positive responses to sexual assault survivors when they disclose. As the campaign is named, the premise is to start by believing survivors. Often in my work as a victim advocate I simply said to the survivor, “I believe you.” More often than not, this evokes a powerful, emotional response from the survivor because often survivors are made to feel as if they’re crazy or, worse, liars. Validation is the first step for giving the survivor back control over their life. They now have someone in their corner and, with the power of two, they can start to see what the healing process is possible.
It’s important that you not try and “fix” the survivor. In the initial stages of trauma (even if the trauma happened long ago the very act of telling someone often pushes the survivor into acute trauma) you can’t make it right or take away the pain. There are so many times I wish I had the magic phrase or pill that would turn the survivor’s world back right side up, but I don’t. Healing takes time and work. The best thing you can say to an acute survivor is, “I’m so sorry this has happened to you.” This validates the event and steps into their sorrow just a little bit. Follow this phrase up with, “Is there anything you need?” or “Is there anyone I can call for you?” This puts the survivor in the driver’s seat of their own disclosure. Be careful to not make promises you can’t keep. Right now, it’s important that the survivor can depend on you – including keeping everything they’ve told you in confidence. This is about the survivor and what the survivor needs. If you have feelings and emotions (including anger) you’ll need to process those feelings later. Right now, the survivor needs you to remain calm and open. Lastly, you’ll want to refer the survivor for additional help. Your local rape crisis center should have all the resources that the survivor needs. If you’re unsure where that center is or need additional resources a great one is RAINN, Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network, available at rainn.org or (800) 656-4673. They’re available 24 hours every day.
I appreciate that the person I first told about my rape was compassionate and loving. Let’s be that to the people in our lives!
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