Dreams

In 2017, I was at my heaviest weight of 275 pounds.  It’s not a mystery or thyroid issue that got me there.  I was someone who ate carbs at every meal and more than my fair share of sugar.  I didn’t really care because I was healthy and could do the things I wanted to do. When I saw the picture of myself shown here I had to take a pause and wonder if nearing 300 pounds was what’s best for my future.

I spent most of 2018, learning and implementing the Keto lifestyle and lost thirty-three pounds.  Taking sugar and carbs out of my diet made me feel amazing although a little sad at times.  Moving was so much easier and getting dressed was a lot more fun when I got to a size 16.  I stalled at the thirty pound weight loss but was grateful for even that much and was happy to be where I was.  Thankfully, 2018 was also the year I committed to once a week therapy sessions.  This began the painful but life-giving process that’s brought me to the me I am today.

For most of 2019, my friend was posting on Facebook about a program she was on and over the year successfully lost 100 pounds.  I was thrilled for her and sometimes wondered what my life could be like if I lost 100 pounds.  In November Shawn and I went to Europe, and I have many, many wonderful memories of the trip.  One that stands out above the rest is when we were standing at the entrance of the Louvre our first day in Paris.  It suddenly hit me.  I am in EUROPE – at the LOUVRE!!  During all my days spent studying French and French culture back in high school, I didn’t even dream of one day being there because I knew it would never happen.  That moment ignited a spark deep in my soul.  How many other things do I not dream about because “they’ll never happen”? How would my life be different if I started wanting things that are impossible?

When we got home I called Christine and said, “I’m in!”  How do I get started?  I started on December 6, 2019 and over the next ten months I lost 66 pounds.  I went from a plus sized 16 to a size 10.  I could write a whole other story about the first time I stood in Target and realized that I got to shop from the overflowing section of “regular sized” clothes and not just the teeny, tiny plus section in the back.  Or, the time I walked into Marshall’s to look at their home goods and realized, “Hot damn, I can wear ANYTHING in this store.”  In a strange way that milestone freaked me out a little bit and my therapist and I had to spend a session or two unpacking that one.  

On my downward journey I dreamed some dreams with Christine.  She asked, “If you can be any weight you want to be what would that be?”  I answered, “Under 200 pounds because I haven’t been under 200 pounds since 1996.”  And then I sat in that dream never thinking it would happen.  In April it happened – 199 pounds!  Another dream that really I didn’t dare dream just came true.  Again, that spark sparked.  What could my life be if I dared to want the impossible?

As we all know 2020 was a year, right?!  I was working mostly in our local court for the first three months and when the state shut down so did my court.  I spent the first couple of weeks painting all of the baseboards in my house.  I didn’t realize it then but I know now I was afraid to stop.  What would happen if my brain completely slowed down and thought all the things?  What if I wasn’t useful to anyone – would I still have worth and meaning?  During early quarantine, I began to realize that I always have static in my head.  It’s hard to describe but I equate it to when the television would go off at midnight back when we were kids and there was just black and white static on the screen.  That was my head all the time.  But, instead of black and white dots they were childhood memories, trauma flashbacks, good times, bad times and the static scared me.  Because I feared the static I unknowingly filled up my headspace with good doing, mondaine doing … just doing.  

My therapist saved my life.  I credit his love, ingenuity, skill, education, and general bad-assery to making me into the person I am today.  Once we got the static thing recognized and nailed down it was time to go to work at dissipating the static.  Of course, as I usually do, I dreamed it would be gone but with the same doubt I’d given most of my recent dreams.  I used winter quarantine to read books, go outside and convene with nature, and let’s face it, watch a bunch of TV. I realized that not working myself to death is something I wanted to experience more of and made the incredibly difficult decision to retire.  And, I heard all of my thoughts.  I saw every image in the static.  

I spent the summer spending hours sitting in this awesome hammock chair in my backyard, listening to soft music, and  looking at the birds.  I bought some bird feeders and laughed at the squirrels trying to steal food from them.  I weeded the mess that was our backyard and all of the sudden was rewarded with big, beautiful flowers that just appeared.  I rode my bike all over Highland and Griffith and listened to podcasts or audible books.  I felt the sun and looked at the clouds.  I hiked at the Dunes and learned the value of elevating my heart rate for short periods of time.  I began to cook meals that took hours to make and found that I enjoyed it.  I learned how to mindfully meditate using the teachings of Thich Nhat Hanh.  And, I heard all of my thoughts.  I saw every image of the static.  

Then, one day, I woke up and my head was clear.  All of the scary images and thoughts had been properly cataloged into the parts of my brain where they belonged.  Not to be forgotten or made to believe didn’t exist, but instead, a critical part of me that doesn’t control me.

Living at peace with myself is the greatest gift.  It’s a practice and something I have to attend to often.  I graduated from therapy in September with the assurance that I could come back any time the static starts again.  Also in September, I had to stop the weight loss program that I had success with due to an ingredient that stopped agreeing with me, and I was terrified I was going to gain the weight back.  I haven’t.  I would love to lose a little bit more weight to put me solidly in the healthy weight category as opposed to the overweight one I’m in now.  I’ll get there.  I’ve been embracing the Whole30/Paleo lifestyle as sugar, gluten, dairy, or soy just doesn’t agree with me.  Gentle exercise is my new therapy and I work out many feelings and negative thoughts while walking, biking, or lifting weights.  Now that I’ve learned how to catalog feelings and thoughts into my brain I find I can do it a little faster and easier.  However, I still get stuck sometimes.  It’s definitely quieter in my brain these days and I love my new life.  I’m dreaming some new dreams and still doubt they’ll happen.  I’m not completely cured. =)

Today is December 6, 2020 and I weigh 166 pounds.  What?!?  One year after I said yes to a dream.