shawn

I’d experienced much trauma before my eighteenth birthday and, to cope, I’d formed some unhealthy coping skills.  One day in October, 1994, I’d made some particularly bad decisions and found myself at the lowest low.  Rock bottom.  The night found me in my childhood bed with no blanket or pillow and most of my earthly possessions somewhere else.  That night as I sat huddled, cold on my bed I longed for someone – anyone – to come into my room, sit down on the bed, cuddle me in their arms, and tell me, “It’s going to be okay!  The sun will come up tomorrow and we’ll figure this all out together.”  No one came.

But God.

One condition of my parents allowing me to move back home was that I attend church.  I was too humiliated to begin attending my childhood church again.  I think through the orchestration of our parents, a friend of mine invited me to the church he’d been attending. Whatever the motives, I went with him the first week. It was back in the day of Sunday School before the large group service.  When I first walked into the classroom where the singles group met I was immediately welcomed into the fold.  There were kind-eyed people around my age with some a little older.  A man walked into the class, late, with the biggest Bible I’d ever seen someone just carry around.  My family used that size Bible as the “Family Bible” where we recorded births and deaths.  I love that he carried that huge Bible because I will always remember the moment I first saw Shawn Liptak. The group was going horseback riding that afternoon and I’d always wanted to go but had never been.  They were quick to let me know I’d be welcome to join them.  Will, the friend who brought me, had to study and wouldn’t be able to go.  That moment was the first brave moment I remember having since the “incident”.  I went.  Following the ride one girl came up to me and hugged me.  She said, “We’re going to be best friends.  I just know it.”  Prior to this moment I hadn’t been hugged with affection for I don’t know how long.  I wanted to just melt into her and never let go.  And, we did.  We became best friends.

The 20 Something group at Grace Fellowship Church saved my life.  They taught me that Jesus people could live with joy. We had fun and did crazy things.  We worshiped and loved God while learning more about His way.  We loved each other and argued/debated life and the Bible with love.  One member, Dave and I would debate for hours about anything regarding gender roles.  I had so much fun.  I never won the debate because I would quit before him.  And, at the end of our debate, we loved each other more than when we started.  This group was the first I told that I’d been raped.  They didn’t condemn me.  They loved me and told me that Jesus loved me and was grieving with me about what happened.  The years I spent with this group restored my heart to mostly full.  They were the ones who came and sat on my bed, cuddled me in their arms, told me the sun would come up tomorrow, and we’ll figure this out together.  Mike was the first person who told me that I was worthy of love and not the damaged goods I was led to believe I was.  Cindy was the person who ditched Spanish class with me to watch the episode of 90210 when Dylan’s wife was killed.  Lisa showed me how to love Jesus in the world we were living in.  Paul showed me around the Purdue campus and helped me find where all my classes were.  Prior to that moment no one had ever helped me with something seemingly trivial.  They accepted me in my absolute mess and loved me right in the middle of that mess.  They’re the reason I found my way back to God, and they’re the reason I’ve learned to cling to him now.

A couple years into the group my heart had healed and I started forming a different kind of friendship with Shawn.  We started going out on friend dates with our friends Cindy and Brett.  Just as friends.  Then feelings developed and in July, 1996, in an adorably awkward way Shawn asked me to be his girlfriend.  We were married November 2, 1996.

My parents weren’t supportive of our quick relationship and were concerned that everyone would think I was pregnant.  Shawn’s dad and stepmom didn’t approve of me because they decided that I misrepresented myself as a Christian.  It probably didn’t help their feelings when I had Keyanna nine months and two weeks after our wedding.  Even with all the healing I’d done in the past two years, our marriage started out on terrible footing.

Part of my Christian upbringing was that women existed to serve their husbands and the husband got the final say in everything.  I shrunk myself smaller and smaller inside our marriage until there wasn’t anything of me left and only what Shawn wanted.  Unfortunately, Shawn was a rigid man who perpetuated this stereotype and allowed it to happen.  Any money I spent or decision I made was wrapped in shame because I was paranoid of stepping outside my boundaries of a good Christian wife.  Shawn and I didn’t fight very often because fighting would mean I thought I was worth fighting for.  All of the fire in my belly was simply gone.  I did the best I could to shield the kids from the authoritative way Shawn ruled the house.  Sometimes succeeding but most of the time failing.  Much like my childhood home everything looked great from the outside looking in, however, for those inside the home, life was bleak.  I lived most days walking a tightrope of not setting Shawn off. He was never physically abusive but he was often cruel and selfish. 

In 2015 we had an incident that shook me. As a result of the incident some family members started counseling. When our therapist suggested Shawn come in for sessions I literally laughed out loud in his face. I told him that Shawn would never darken the door of his office. 

But God. 

One particular happy day I casually brought up the subject of Shawn going to a counseling appointment. He said, “Sure.”  And he went. For the first time he was confronted with his rigidity and how that affects other people in his life. He decided to do something about it, and life became gentler. 

In 2018 I was working as an advocate at our county’s rape crisis center.  One day I realized that every tool I offered to the brave survivors who came into my office were tools I didn’t use.  I started therapy to specifically work on the trauma from my growing up years.  I slowly began to understand how I show up in the world and own my failings as a wife, mother, and human.  I was able to heal the hurts that held me captive for so many years.  I began to understand that the God I was taught in my childhood held fallacies, and I began to deconstruct what it means to be a Jesus follower.  I worked diligently for two years.

In an effort to overcome his legalist rigidity Shawn swung the pendulum too far the other way and wasn’t caring about anyone or anything.  We began living separate lives and when they intersected it was fine but they never intersected that was fine too.  With things being the best they’d ever been I started to dream about a better marriage and as a result we started fighting more than we ever had before.  In August, 2020 I came to a point where I was tired of trying.  We would do one step forward and then ten steps backward.  I didn’t want to do it anymore and I made plans to leave.  My therapist strongly suggested I tell Shawn about my plans five days before I was going to leave.  I knew it wouldn’t change my mind, and I also figured it wouldn’t hurt anything to tell him.  One Monday following my birthday I told Shawn that I was leaving on Friday and I had everything planned out.  He simply said, “Okay.  Is there anything I can do to change your mind?”  I gently told him no and he walked out of the room.  I wasn’t sad.  Just resigned.

I’d recently retired from my days of an advocate and I was spending the summer dealing with the jungle our backyard had become. It was therapeutic work. On Tuesday I was outside working when Shawn came out and simply said, “Amee, I love you.”  He then turned and went back in the house. On Wednesday he told me that he’d been reading a book and asked if I’d be willing to stay until he’s had a chance to finish it. I agreed.  Shawn read the book, What Radical Husbands Do: 12 Steps to Win and Keep Your Wife’s Heart by Regi Campbell and immediately began putting the words into action.  Slowly he started loving and caring for me in a new way.  We’d finally begun to put the pieces together of what a healthy, loving marriage could look like with both of us supporting and loving the other.

When I was diagnosed with cancer in August, 2021 we identified another area that we struggle in.  Shawn doesn’t like doctors or the medical system and I don’t know how to accept comfort (even though I desperately long for it).  Put these two things together and we did my illness horribly.  I ended up going to most of my doctor visits alone and when they’d tell me horrible news I just powered through and made a plan.  Occasionally a friend or my daughter would take me to appointments when I was too sick to drive, however, most of the time I would just suck it up and make it there on my own.  In May, 2022, I had to have eyelid surgery and had to be put under anesthesia.  I simply couldn’t drive myself home.  Shawn and I had a huge fight around several areas of the surgery and, knowing an answer was out there, I became desperate for an answer.  We couldn’t get past a certain obstacle.  We decided to get help by going to the Ravines for a three day intensive couple’s counseling session.  During our time at the Ravines we took a deep dive into our childhoods which identified why we are the way we are.  We learned new ways to communicate and learned our fighting style.  It was insane because the counselor, before even talking to us about it, diagrammed our fighting routine onto a whiteboard.  He was 100% correct.  Shawn’s an avoider and I vacillate.  We fight in the exact same pattern every time – just a different subject matter.  The Ravines relied heavily on a book, How We Love by Kay Yerkovich and Milan Yerkovich.  Following our time at the Ravines we read the book and did the workbook together to continue to reinforce what we learned.  

During our time at the Ravines, Shawn identified a few areas of life that he wanted to work on.  Our church offers Celebrate Recovery – a 12-step faith-based recovery system.  He began June, 2022.  Taken from Celebrate Recovery’s website – “Living in a broken world we all deal with life’s hurts, hang-ups, and habits.  No one has the ability, nor should they attempt to face their hurts on their own.  Celebrate Recovery is a beautiful community of strugglers that courageously enter this safe and beautiful space to get honest about our pain, and the negative ways we may see ourselves, God, and others.  In this process we come to accept that some of the habits we may have developed to escape our pain has caused destruction in our life and those close to us.”  

It’s more than just going to a program. You also have to work the program and take what you learn and apply it to your life.  They do a chip system similar to AA.  In June of 2023, Shawn received his year chip and it shows in his life.  He’s grown into a full human who is generous with his love, time, and money.  He holds Biblical gray areas loosely, understanding that as you experience life and learn different things you can change your mind about things.  He’s quick to give other people (me!) the space and place to believe what they believe even if it isn’t how he believes.  He no longer feels the need to prove himself and badger the recipient with his truth.  Drop the rope is a concept from Regi’s book and Shawn does it so well.  Shawn gives me the freedom to become who I’m becoming without distancing himself from me.  He attempts to lessen my mental load when I’m overwhelmed.  He listens to my zany ideas without freaking out that I’m about to shake things up … again.  He’s quick to “solve” my problems, not with words, but by asking if I need a hug, and most times I do.  He works hard at work and is happy to be our provider.  And … he recently has taken me to five different doctor appointments when driving would have been really challenging for me.

I’m always reading books and learning new things.  I recently finished a book with some controversial Biblical beliefs.  As a result of the book and lots of additional research I’ve made a switch from my more conservative Bible beliefs.  Shawn and I were recently talking about one of my new beliefs and I showed him a chapter from this book.  He decided to read the whole book and has been truly considering the viewpoints presented.  This is the change.  Prior to 2015 Shawn wouldn’t even consider changing his viewpoint about anything.  He believed what he believed and that was good enough for him.  He’s worked hard to become who he is today, and I am in awe of this person.  I’m in awe of God. He’s been with both of us every step of the way and He just loves us so completely.  It’s because of Shawn’s love for Jesus that any of this is possible.

I always wake up before Shawn and this morning I just laid and watched him sleep.  My heart leapt.  I love this man.  I’m so thankful that I get to be his friend and his lover.  Everything that it’s taken to get this far has just made this moment sweeter.  I’m sure rough patches are still in our future.  However, I know we have the tools and the dedication to fix it quickly.  Life is such hard work, but I’m convinced that it’s worth the work.

ETA:  My therapist has moved to Louisiana, and I’ve recently begun to notice some unhealthy coping mechanisms pop up again in my life.  Seeing nothing but positive I’ve decided to start going to Celebrate Recovery with Shawn.  (Even though we do large groups together, small groups meet women separate from men.)   I’ve only been going for a month but I’m already reaping the benefits of having a support team behind me as I explore who I’m supposed to be during this season of life.  It’s a national program and you may have a chapter near you.  It might be something beneficial to your life as well.